How the Liberals Stole Christmas (or) a Visit from St. Dick by Kevin Horrigan as published in the ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH Sunday, Dec. 11 2005 Twas the month before Christmas And as I lit candles, Conservatives stirred - They were onto a scandal. "They want to kill Christmas!" Came the cry from the right: "They want to axe Bethlehem And O! Holy Night! "They're after the Christ child And Joseph and Mary And shepherds and wise men; These liberals are scary." Who? I said. Who Is behind these cruel plots? "Well, we're not really sure, But we heard it on Fox. "Fox fair and balanced; Esteemed, and most highly. We're not really sure - It was prob'ly O'Reilly." So I grabbed the remote And clicked over to Fox And there snarled O'Reilly. (Imagine my shock): "The liberals, the commies, The A.C.L.U. They want to steal Christmas From me and from you. They say 'Happy Holidays' And acknowledge the Jews By throwing in Hannukah." I was really confused. "And what's this with Kwanzaa?" The O'Reilly elf said. "Some guy made it up, Made it up from whole cloth. And somewhere the pagans Are worshipping trees And Muslims turn eastward On rugs on their knees." "The Democrats did it," He said with a roar. "It was Kerry and Biden And Clinton and Gore." And then with a smirk He fired heavy artillery: "If you want my opinion, I bet it was Hillary." I sat there in silence, Stunned in my jammies. My pulse was just racing My hands were all clammy. Who can save Christmas From plots so barbaric That turn Jesus' birthday To a season generic? What will happen to Christmas? Should I recycle my creche? And toss out John's gospel 'Bout Word become flesh? Should I toss out the angels? They could get me arrested. I was, lo, sore afraid And my soul greatly tested. Who will save Christmas? George W. Bush? Who will save Christmas When shove comes to push? We could call the Marines But they've all been assigned. This disaster needs FEMA. Oh . . . never mind. Then I heard a weird jingling From somewhere in back And grabbed for the pistol I'm licensed to pack. I pulled back the slide And quick chambered a round And yelled out "Freeze dirtbag! Don't dare make a sound!" The guy, he was balding And wore a blue suit. He was driving a pickup That said "Brown & Root." His eyes they were squinting, His voice, slightly nervous Said, "Richard B. Cheney. I'm here, at your service." I was stunned at the sight Of the man who's the veep. And I thought I was dreaming, In some weird right-wing sleep. I heard him cough softly Then say, "It's not fiction. "First Comet is venison. "And next I'll shoot Vixen." "I killed off the reindeer," He softly exhaled. "And I sent Santa off To a black CIA jail. This secular nonsense, We'll end it, right quick. I've got other priorities Or my name's not St. Dick." He said, "Christmas's really Just all about loot You can stuff in your bag And then dis-t'-ri-bute To friends and to donors And pals who are cronies, It's not about children Or Democrat phonies. "The trick that I've learned," St. Dick said like a Scrooge, "Is avoiding the blame. Instead, get you a stooge, So the stooge takes the heat As you make dead certain That the goodies pile up Inside Halliburton." "So we'll blame it on liberals, And commies and gays. We'll blame it on Democrats And folks who don't pray." We've got Bill O'Reilly To stir up the base While we haul all our loot To an undisclosed place." Then he turned with a wink, Jumped back into his pickup. He nodded his head And then said with a hiccup: "I'll tell you one thing Gives me great satisfaction: 'The liberals stole Christmas' Is a dandy distraction." To email please see:  contact.cgi if you have any comments or questions about this page. Page created by Meryll Larkin:  12/24/05 Updated:  11/16/09